I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
