I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
