she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
