Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
