Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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