i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
