Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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