Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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