if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
