If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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