a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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