I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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