He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I love having hate sex.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
