I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
