when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
