also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
