Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
3pm strippers are depressing
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
