She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
