Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
