I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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