my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
