I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Randomize
