you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
