I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
