Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
