Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
