How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
