A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
