I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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