I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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