I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
