thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
