Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
