Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
