I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
