Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
