I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
