WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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