cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
