I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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