I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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