I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
