did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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