you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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