i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
