Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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