He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
