just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
