I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
