Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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