She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
