Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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