I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
