I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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