I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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