If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
