I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
